


take care

by nofirstdraft



Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:36:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24651688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nofirstdraft/pseuds/nofirstdraft
Summary: ryujin loses her scholarship. lia's family wants her to get a tutor. stars align.
Relationships: Choi Jisu | Lia/Shin Ryujin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 98





	1. Chapter 1

_baby, i like your style…_

_When you’re gone, truly far gone, a mix of drugs and alcohol and music and people and drugs and alcohol, you feel everything._

_The air is hot and thick and hazy, the bass drums through your body like a second heartbeat and the melody, sickly sweet, makes you lightheaded. You close your eyes as you jump with your toes, bare shoulders clash soft and rough until you land heavy on both feet. You open your eyes and the bright lights alternate, blue purple green, it stings a little. Your shirt rests heavier on your hips and sweat collects at the nape of your neck. You feel everything at once, so you feel nothing._

— — — —

February 4th was supposed to be an important date. Ryujin had planned for it, shared jokes amongst friends, piled items into baskets telling herself that on the fourth, for once, life would feel a little less burdensome. It was her self care scholarship, the academic excellence fund for new clothes and being able to cover for everyone for once. Her high school career had already helped alleviate the burden of tuition, this was a bonus, a monetary pat on the back that chipped away at her debt, kept her afloat just like everyone else.

It had become a kind of cosmic joke that things never worked out for Ryujin the way they were supposed to, the way she wanted them to, and now February 4th had arrived, and while it was still an important date, it was for a very different reason. Her life was not less burdensome. Her life was in fact about to become very very burdensome.

At her induction in the fall, Ryujin had immediately noticed the silent methods of intimidation used on campus: Outside the Administration Building, students filtered around the bronze 18th Century Man atop his bucking horse, a leader; The latest state-of-the-art expansion to the library, was celebrated with a golden placard, _made possible by_ ; And behind the six person panel of the University Disciplinary Board hung two large paintings, men with blank stares and white beards secure inside their wooden frames. They stared down at Ryujin and she thought about how these places were for profit, how every class had a curriculum.

Since middle school her grades had always been weighed against her temperament. No one could reconcile that the girl who knew algebra could also deface an asshole’s locker. That she could get a ninety-five on a test and still deck a girl who was talking about her out of term. Short tempered. Explosive. Dangerous. Ryujin was taught to censor herself, to play to respectability, to nod quietly and keep her mouth shut. And she comforted herself with the lie that it was for the sake of survival, so it was okay. She was forced to make a choice and chose the path that people told her was best for her, she kept her head down, her opinions to herself, she locked her spray cans in a backpack.

But she could only deny herself for so long.

She heard stories about the Kappa Tau fraternity the moment she set foot on campus. They were legendary to some, notorious to others. They observed the campus like predators, draped across the architecture like they owned it, some of them probably did somewhere in there lineage. They made sure their conversations were shouted not spoken, audible to everyone in proximity. Their cologne was too strong and their shoes always looked too clean, like they were fresh out of the box every morning. Their futures were easy and secure and Ryujin resented them for it. It didn’t take long before the backpack was reopened and the morning of their Christmas party, a blowout before Winter Break, the Kappa Tau fraternity awoke to their white walls sprayed red, adorned with words that were more like accusations. Fascists. Racists. Predators. Ryujin was always pretty good with synonyms.

It felt good until it didn’t. Until the sides of outrage and vindication swapped and by nightfall Instagram was alight with people using Ryujin's rage as a backdrop and the bubbling undercurrent of a potential expose was shut down by University higher ups. All that was left was the question of who had done it. A question easily solved by campus CCTV.

Ryujin wasn’t going home for Winter anyway but now she was stuck, awaiting judgement. Her future in the hands of the panel she could only tell apart by the color of the frames of their glasses.

She felt embarrassed that she’d resorted to looking at her feet, how her toes dipped down to touch the hardwood floor. She felt embarrassed that she’d dressed up for them, as much as she was reassured that it would help her, just a momentary compromise. Except they weren’t conceding anything, they got be themselves and she had to assure them that she was like them, that what she did, that wasn’t her true character, that she was momentarily compromised.

“Is there anything you’d like to say on your behalf?” The man in the center leaned into his microphone, a grey suit, round glasses, a beard like the men in the paintings.

Ryujin crumbled under their gaze, her lone chair against their long table, their notepads and their microphones. She wished she had the courage to tell the truth.

“Just…to apologize… again. I’m sorry.” She glanced across the panel, hoping they believed her. Each member remained as stoic as they had throughout.

She was dismissed not knowing what February 5th had install for her.

— — — —

Ryujin finally exhaled when she left the room, letting the heavy door slam shut. It rattled the building, echoed through the hall, caught the attention of every other person, seated and waiting.

“How’d it go?” Chaeryeong watched her all the way to her chair, sympathetic smile never fading. Her ride or die since freshman year, she refused to go to class while Ryujin was interrogated.

“I don’t know. They said to wait out here.”

“That’s good right? If they’re deciding on the spot?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how this works.” She looked up to the domed ceiling and considered prayer for the first time in her life. "Thanks for skipping.”

“You’re welcome,” Chaeryeong smiled and somehow Ryujin found herself doing the same.

The door opened, one of the panellists leaning out and silently calling her back inside. 

She smoothed out her skirt and stood up, took a final breath. Chaeryeong nodded, strong and supportive and she steadied herself, turned and walked inside.

— — — —

_i was good on my own, that’s the way it was…_

_The bathroom in a club is a sacred space. No masks are allowed. It’s where you finally broke down the first time you were cheated on, crouched on the floor, surrounded by concerned friends, a stranger yelled fuck him and you all laughed. It’s where you tried coke for the first time, three of you crowded into a stall, you shrugged your shoulders and got lost. It’s where you consoled your best friend when she was heartbroken, you held both of her hands and told her you loved her, that she deserved better just like she had told you only weeks earlier. It’s where you learned about catharsis._

— — — —

Ryujin could barely feel her legs, her eyes stung and her neck hurt. She had been cross-legged on the floor of her dorm, craned over her bright laptop for too long, way too long. It was almost midnight and she was ready to give up.

She wanted to rest, she wanted a shower, she wanted to not have this problem hanging over her. She told herself she wouldn’t stretch until she had a complete plan but discomfort had overcome her. She lifted her arms above her head, clasped her hands together and lived in the relief for the few seconds it was there. Then it was back to the laptop. 

The page was overwhelmed with dates and numbers. As much as she tried to focus, her mind kept spiraling, her eyes trailing back to the total in bold, underlined.

“This one is a minimum four hour contract.” Ryujin looked up to Chaeryeong on the bed, laptop on her outstretched legs, focusing hard and gave her a shake of the head when she finally peeked over the frame, looking for a response. "Okay... next one."

She had insisted on helping and was probably a hundred pages deep on Indeed. Each time she found a potential job, she ran the hours, the pay, the expectations by Ryujin and each time she hit a wall.

“So, you put all your wages aside. How much do we have left to cover?”

“Too much.”

“How much?”

Ryujin looked at the number and it stared back at her. She'd decided to italicize it as well now. Bold, underlined, italicized. 

“Three thousand.” She heard Chaeryeong's sharp inhale, saw her try and disguise it behind pursed lips and a strong nod. She knew it, they both knew it, it was too much. It was impossible. Come the end of the semester, without any scholarships to help her, she wouldn't be able to stay.

“We’ll figure it out.” Chaeryeong's phone buzzed beside her and she finally picked it up, immediately tapping away at the screen. She’d been good, not looking at it for most of the night even flipped it over to avoid distraction.

“Everything okay?” 

“Yeah, just my sister.”

“Could you ask if she has a spare three thousand dollars?”

"I'm not gonna do that." 

Ryujin was ready to tell her fine, that it was a joke, which was true enough although she wouldn't have turned her down if she said she did. But before she could get the words out, Chaeryeong was pausing, thinking.

“You know when she was in senior year, she bought her own car. I remember being so confused... and angry. She told me she bought it from tutoring."

“Your parents didn’t help?”

“There’s no way they would. She bought it all on her own.”

Ryujin lifted her head. She stayed sceptical, she had too, but the idea had potential.

“A brand new car?”

“Yeah, a hybrid, I remember.”

Ryujin thought back to high school, back to Sophomore year, to getting rides home and sitting in the back while Chaeryeong's sister drove. The leather seats, the darkened windows, the same playlist every time.

"She didn't have another job?"

"No, she just tutored... like two or three students."

From nowhere, a plan emerged.

“You think anyone would hire me?”

Chaeryeong shrugged, absentmindedly flipping her phone in her hands.

“With the right recommendation.”

For the first time that night Ryujin and Chaeryeong shared a smile. The low light of the desk lamp burned orange in the room and it felt like middle school again, hatching schemes in the early hours, Ryujin mischievous and Chaeryeong just happy to help her friend.

— — — —

_rest in peace to Screw, tonight we take it slowly….._

_You usually hear the last song of the night outside. The lyrics indecipherable and the bass like an aftershock. Your coat draped over your shoulders, the cold air hitting your bare legs. The pavement feels uneven, you’re less steady on your feet now. You feel louder because the night is so still and because your shouting and laughing at everything. You cancel your Uber twice, too drunk to take the call where they ask you to find them. You look out the window on the ride, everything’s moving too fast. The sky is pretty._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just bored and writing and maybe this will become something. if ur reading this thank u for ur time. stay safe.  
> (the italics are lia jsyk)


	2. Chapter 2

_your alarm sound is radar [default]._

_You never saw the purpose of changing it, a sound designed for you to hear for five seconds, maybe ten, once or twice in the morning. You never need it when you’re hungover, too drunk to set it anyway, your body wakes you up, dehydrated and not willing to wait any longer. Sometimes it’s four in the morning, sometimes it’s two in the afternoon. Today it was both. Your friends use the day to watch movies, order pizza and not feel bad about it. You always use it as an opportunity to reset, you buy green juice and almonds and a black coffee. Instead of lying around, you build yourself back up._

— — — —

The Choi residence was at the heart of the most affluent neighborhood. A gated community in more sense than one, no metro or bus stops came close to approaching it.

Ryujin decided to cycle, a half hour from campus to the local park where she could lock up her bike. It felt like passing into a different universe, compared to the city everything seemed so much quieter, so still. From the outside, everything looked the same, high grey walls that loomed, the opposite of inviting.

It was a steep walk to the house and when she finally reached the gate she paused for a moment, caught her breath and held her hands to her face, trying to get rid of any redness. She had to look professional.

That was the first step she'd discussed with Chaeryeong, the step Chaeryeong was most excited about, making her fit the part. They pieced together an outfit, a blazer, a skirt, their most expensive rings and glasses with fake lenses. They straightened every last kink out of her hair and tucked one side behind her ear. Sharp, disciplined, that was their play. To make Ryujin seem untouchable, just like them.

Chaeryeong helped iron her clothes, _a crease is like….no you can’t have any creases_ and Ryujin considered the kind of tutor she would be. Chaeryeong's sister had been gracious to recommend her but the job was coveted, she needed to make them want her.

She pushed the buzzer and waited, considered how long it would take before she would press it again. Too quick and they might think she’s rude, opportunity over with before it began. To slow and she’s outside forever, exposing her own passivity.

“Hello?” A voice came through from the other side, crystal clear. It surprised Ryujin, she'd forgotten buzzers don’t work like they do in movies, all muffled and crackly.

“It’s Shin Ryujin.” She kept her voice low, quiet and her sentences short. To this household she would be an enigma, selective with her words and serious, always looking and sounding like she was deep in thought.

The gate opened automatically and she passed through, ascended a small set of stairs. Narrow and encroaching at first, then the world opened up.

She'd wondered why everything outside was so grey and now she knew, they were keeping all the green for themselves. The garden was lavish, an expanse of perfectly manicured grass, neat concrete stones leading two ways. The first passed by imported flowers, herb and vegetable gardens, to a patio and a pool, covered for the winter. There was a brick oven and a dining table, a tiled island and a porcelain sink. The family definitely didn’t cook for themselves.

The second took you to the house. An ode to modernity. Ryujin could see inside before she was inside. A wall of glass showcased the open plan of the first floor, the polished hardwood of the living room to the wide stone tiles of the kitchen. It was overwhelming and Ryujin wondered whether the resentment she was feeling was tinted with envy. She caught the eye of the woman inside, talking at her mobile, resting on the marble island at the center of the kitchen. She was slim, her hair was dark, short and sleek. Her blouse was white and perfectly tailored. She looked like she was purpose built for the house.

She flicked her gaze between Ryujin and the phone, pushed a button and made her way to the door.

Ryujin took a breath. Game on.

“Ryujin, nice to meet you. Jongseo.” She greeted her with a practiced smile.

She was the intimidating kind of beauty, it radiated off her, like she knew how important she was. She led Ryujin through to the kitchen, passing by a wall of family photos, she couldn't not look at. Mother, Father, Daughter, all posed like monarchy. “I’m sorry- I just have to finish this.” She gestured to the phone, still lying on mute.

“Please.” Ryujin waved a hand and she pushed speaker, continued her conversation. _Tuesday afternoon? That’s the only available slot?_

Ryujin busied herself, trying not to listen, ran a hand up and down the strap of her bag, turning back to the living room. It could fit her whole dorm. The sectional couch bent in a rigid U shape, surrounding a wide glass coffee table. There was no TV but there were three different remotes and she imagined one of them manifested a flat screen from somewhere, like a shark tank in a villain's lair.

_Monday? We could work with Monday, I’ll have to talk to him._ Jongseo opened the fridge, eyes still trained on the phone and offered Ryujin a water. She gracefully accepted. It was cold in her hands, she spun it around for a moment, then read the label, anything to occupy herself. She recognized the brand, in stores it was always at the top of the fridge, the one she brushed by on the way to the bottles she could pay for with the spare cents in her pocket.

“We’ll try again later.” Jongseo finished the call with a sigh, took a moment to reset and turned to Ryujin with that same smile. “Sorry about that. Should we sit?” She led them to the dining table, a smooth wooden panel that could easily seat a family triple the size. It was so perfectly ironic, literal seats at the table left unfilled. Ryujin waited until Jongseo took a seat, she placed herself at the head, then took the seat next to her.

“Chaeyeon spoke very highly of you.” Ryujin tried to read the intonation in her voice, it lilted upwards, hesitant, suspicious even. She stayed true to her character, kept herself calm, nodded and lifted her chin.

“She’s very good.” Ryujin sipped her water, maintained her stiff posture, it was starting to hurt, she didn’t know how people did it. Jongseo recalled Chaeyeon with a shake of the head like she was waking up her memories.

“When we hired her- Jisu, her grades had never been better and when Chaeyeon left us…Jisu hasn’t been understood by the school since, she’s one of their brightest students. Chaeyeon was committed to making them realize that.” It was the first time she'd mentioned Jisu. Ryujin assumed she’d be there since she was the one being tutored. Now she wondered how much of a say she had in anything, if they kept her locked away, only let out for family photo sessions and to be taught algebra by a stranger.

Jongseo answered her questions, turning to the back of the kitchen.

“Jisu said she’d be here. She was at a sleepover yesterday- she’s always back late from those.” Ryujin nodded again, staying quiet, looking serious, trying to force the idea that she’s evaluating them as much as they are her. It seemed to be working Jongseo jumping to excuses for her family. It was hard not to laugh at her daughter’s obvious lie though. Ryujin thought about the 'sleepovers' she went to Senior year, getting drunk with a nervous Chaeryeong, dancing like crazy, observing all the popular kids’ drama from the sidelines.

She pushed her glasses up, decided to really dive into the character.

“Chaeyeon tutored me as well,” she paused, pretended she was deep in thought, brow furrowed, taking her time with her words. She glanced over to Jongseo, listening intently, sold so far on what Ryujin was selling. “She gave me great instructions on how to do this. I learned a lot from her but I also identified the faults in her methods.” Jongseo leant in, her face tightened and her lips pursed. Ryujin was right to assume she’d be concerned by the idea she’d hired someone who wasn’t perfect. “Chaeyeon's nature is kind and encouraging….that’s important but… she couldn't put that aside when she was tutoring. She built up to excellence.”

Ryujin paused, turned to Jongseo with a strong focused gaze, then dropped the sinker. “Jisu’s grades, did they improve slowly?”

Jongseo’s eyes widened, she was astounded, like Ryujin had just told her her future. She nodded furiously and Ryujin continued to spin.

“For me,” she edged forward in her seat, clasped her hands together, “that means you settle for doing just enough. What I practice is perfection... from the first session to the very end.” Ryujin’s folder lied untouched on the table, the rush to pile it together seeming pretty pointless now, all she needed was to play to Jongseo’s weaknesses, present herself as new, better, state of the art and they’d acquire her like everything else in the house.

Jongseo shook her head in disbelief.

“Chaeyeon was good to recommend you. We try to keep our circle small, we don’t hire just anybody….. Is your rate the same as hers?”

For the first time Ryujin almost revealed herself, turning to Jongseo far too quickly at the mention of money. She tried to cover it, a slow nod, picking up her water and drinking again.

She hoped Chaeyeon didn’t undervalue herself.

Jongseo left the table, picked up a brown envelope from the kitchen counter and began verifying the amount inside. Ryujin bit her lip, tried not to stare as she shuffled through note after note after note, faces adorned on them she'd barely ever seen before.

She pulled herself up as well, took her folder with her and hovered between the kitchen and the table.

“Payment upfront is on the basis that we’d prefer you start immediately. Monday. After Jisu’s finished school.” Jongseo slipped the money back into the envelope and handed it over. 

“Of course.” She nodded, unzipped her bag and placed the envelope inside. It was a big step forward. She was proud of herself.

Jongseo watched her pull the zip closed.

“Did you drive here?” Her eyes were strong and intense when she asked the question and it felt like a test. Simple but loaded. It took Ryujin back. With the envelope of cash in her bag she had lowered her guard but now it was right back up. What would she think of someone who didn't drive? A lack of ambition, a lack of autonomy, that it makes you dependent.

“I parked down the road.” Ryujin decided to lie, not willing to fall at that day’s last hurdle. Jongseo didn’t challenge her further, instead she took a cup from the cupboard and switched the kettle on.

“Just let us know the registration, so you can use the garage in the future.”

A silence settled and she wondered whether Jongseo expected her to tell her immediately. Anyone who actually drove would know their registration by heart, could reel it off with ease. Ryujin clutched her folder tighter.

A door slammed from the back of the house. It caught both their attention, turning to the source. Jongseo sighed.

“If you could improve Jisu’s timekeeping… she’s always off like this. Her father says she exists on a mirrored timeline. Arriving when everyone’s leaving.” She shook her head, turned back to the kettle.

Ryujin smiled instinctively. She didn’t know anything about Jisu except the little she’d been told, the clues dotted around the house. She seemed intimidating in the family photos, dark hair slicked back, a beret either side, a strong gaze to match her mom and dad. It was nice to know there were shades to her. Ryujin mentally checked off the fact, Jisu was bad at time keeping.

It showed.

“Did I miss the tutor?”

Ryujin closed her eyes, bit her lip, willed her serious demeanor to return as Jisu rounded the corner. Her hair in a bun, balancing a purse worth of items in her hands. Keys, phone, two drinks, a jacket. It was admirable just how badly she tried to cover her hangover. Ryujin could see the outline of the aspirin bottle in her sweatpants.

Jongseo’s deep sigh said it all. “She was just leaving.”

Jisu’s head whipped up, too focused on everything to acknowledge her. She looked at her like she’d been caught out and Ryujin tried to appear intense, serious like before but it was hard when Jisu’s eyes went wide and her lips pursed so tight they threatened to disappear.

“We scheduled your first session for Monday-“

“-You hired her? She hired you?” Jisu interrupted loudly, looking between her and her mom. She was fun to watch, still shuffling everything in her hands so she didn’t drop either of her drinks. Ryujin couldn’t help her smile, why did she need two?

“Monday. After school.” Jongseo was stern, her sharp gaze trained on her daughter.

Jisu set her things down and nodded, her mother’s stillness starting to emerge. She squared her shoulders, lifted her head, and gave Ryujin a tight smile.

“Look forward to it.” She glanced at her mom, received a nod of approval.

This was who Ryujin had expected, a poised beauty, not the flustered kid from just minutes ago.

“I think I’m gonna go wash.” Jisu disappeared upstairs, left the counter stockpiled with everything she'd brought it. 

“I’m sorry about her.” Jongseo leaned against the counter and spoke into the tea she was cradling.

“It’s fine.”

“You have a lot on your plate.” They both looked at the stairs Jisu had taken. Ryujin shook her head.

“No. I’m looking forward to Monday.” She was completely sincere. It was one of the only truths she’d told all day.

_— — — —_

The setting sun cast a golden hue over the neighborhood as Ryujin walked back toward her bike.

She felt lighter.

Everything went as Ryujin expected it to. Everything except for the girl she was about to spend so much time with. She couldn’t help but think about her, how her bun drew her features tight like her mom but the shorter layers had fallen, flicking out in every direction. How the coffee in her hand was black but there were five sachets of sugar also clutched in that hand. How loud her voice went, how it had made her mom flinch, the complete opposite of the soft speech she had adopted. Ryujin just didn’t think she'd be like that. She couldn’t stop thinking about how completely unexpected Jisu had been.

Unexpected. It was highest compliment she could pay her.

_— — — —_

_tell me about my potential…._

_Meditation is hard. It’s a discipline. You get better with time like running, but it’s easy to tell if you’re bad or good at running. You sit still, close your eyes and breathe, you relinquish control. You think about the candle you lit, it was jasmine scented but it just smells like a burning wick. You remind yourself to text your friends when you’re done, tell them you made it home okay. You think about the stranger who was just in your kitchen, how they tucked their thumb in their sleeve the moment you saw the chipped polish. You can smell the jasmine now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just bored and writing and maybe this will become something. if ur reading this thank u for ur time. stay safe.  
> (the italics are lia jsyk)


	3. Chapter 3

The dining hall was a strange place. It was democratic in a way, everyone on campus ate there regardless of status.

Ryujin hated it.

First semester she put real effort into discerning the perfect time to go for each meal, when there were no crowds and the good seats were free. The general rule she landed on was the earlier the better. She dragged Chaeryeong along with her most evenings and afternoons but she couldn’t cope with mornings. Ryujin remembered her eventually breaking, they were at dinner and Chaeryeong told her it was criminal to have breakfast before seven am. They fell into a silent agreement that they’d eat together when their timings lined up, which ended up being most meals most days. Except for breakfast.

That was in the before times, when Ryujin was able to afford to eat twice a day. It was the first problem Chaeryeong solved, when they were strategizing to keep Ryujin on campus. She’d looked up from her laptop and told her she could be her plus one, shrugging her shoulders and immediately noting it in the document like it was nothing. She had nodded quietly, at a loss for words. Chaeryeong really was family.

Family who ate at the busiest periods. Ryujin watched the lines grow, watched people walk past, eyeing their half eaten plates, trying to evaluate how long it would be before they left their corner booth. It was two hours before lunch finished and a part of her wanted to stay put, just to be petty. 

“Were you here for breakfast? Did you know they got rid of Apple Jacks?”

Ryujin shook her head, focused on the task in front of her. She laid down a third napkin, placed her bagel in the middle and began to wrap it tightly, corner edges to the center. Chaeryeong waited for her to finish before she asked her question:

“Are you skipping dinner?”

“Not sure when tutoring’ll finish.”

“We could order something?”

“Yeah, maybe.” She shrugged, trying to keep it casual but her shoulders fell heavy. She thought getting hired would be the hardest part of the plan but she was hours away from her first session and felt just as nervous, maybe even more.

Chaeryeong could tell, watched her until she lifted her eyes from the table and offered a smile. “You’ll be fine.”

“I should sneak you into their house, you’d love it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” She meant it, Chaeryeong really would be obsessed. She had a romantic, cinematic approach to life, being in the Choi house would be like Christmas for her.

“Take pictures- wait- film it.”

“Like with a go-pro?”

“Yeah. Or pretend you vlog.” They both laughed and Ryujin shook her head.

“They would kick me out- If I walked in with a camera” - she held her hand high, an imaginary phone between her thumb and index, an exaggerated wave with her free hand - “They would slap it out of my hands….honestly the house is so big you could probably sneak around and no one would notice.”

“What’s the girl like?” Chaeryeong threw the question out casually as she picked up her phone. 

It should've been an easy answer, simple. She could've just said _fine_ and that would've been enough, but she froze, the image of Jisu unprepared and wide eyed at the kitchen counter fixed at the forefront of her mind. 

One of look from Chaeryeong would've been enough, she'd have seen her, glossed over and speechless and instantly known something wasn't right. Instead she kept her eyes on her phone, “Chaeyeon said a lot of them were boring.”

Ryujin nodded herself back to reality. “Right.” 

“Is this her? She’s really pretty.” Chaeryeong turned her phone around and there she was. Jisu. A bright smile and a peace sign.

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s her.” Ryujin nodded, she felt tense and she tried to channel it into seeming disinterested.

She hadn’t seen Jisu since they’d met, hadn’t looked her up on anything. She’d never been able to. She’d tried before with people she liked in high school and couldn’t. She'd log into Twitter or Instagram and it would be painful to go to the search bar, her anxiety would overcome her and she’d end up exiting out, not typing one letter, blushing at her laptop screen. She brushed it off as a morality problem, that she was just against ‘stalking’ but maybe it was something else, a touch of self-hatred.

“Her friends are pretty too....She goes to a lot of parties.”

Chaeryeong continued to scroll and Ryujin only got more uncomfortable, lowering herself into the table, burying her face in her arms.

“I don’t like this.” Ryujin’s voice came out muffled. She lifted her head, "Chaeryeong. Seriously."

“Sorry I’ll stop-" She put her phone screen on the table for emphasis, a wry smile on her face. What do the German's call it, schadenfreude?

"Do you wanna know what her bio was?"

Ryujin threw her head down again “No.” She was stressed. 

Chaeryeong was having the time of her life. ”It's _live. laugh. love…..leave me alone_.” Chaeryeong chuckled, “Should I follow her?”

“No.” Ryujin raised her head up again quickly, her eyes were lowered, her stare was a threat. “Definitely not.”

“Fine…. she has a lot of followers though, I don’t think she’d notice.”

Chaeryeong clicked on a video and Ryujin instantly recognized the voice. It was loud and uninhibited like it’d been when they first met, even more so. She was yelling, laughing, Ryujin had no idea what was going on, Chaeryeong had the screen to herself. She was smiling too. There was just something about that girl.

“Are you going to the sit-in?” Ryujin asked, changing the subject was the safest option for her right now. Chaeryeong pulled herself from her phone, the video looping for a third time and nodded.

“I signed up for snacks.”

“Right.”

“I’m going to Walmart later if you wanna come- you’ll have time.”

“I can’t, gotta go to the bank." Ryujin still had the envelope in her desk, her first payment. She’d thought too much about the questions she might be asked, the judgement she might receive. The rational part of her knew it would be easy, but she didn’t listen to that part too often when it came to herself. She was an advice giver, not taker.

“Do you have the first session planned out?”

Ryujin shrugged comfortably, “It’s high school math.” She’d studied it recently, aced her SATs and she considered herself a fairly good teacher. Maybe her fuse was a little short but other than that. Her only concern was how receptive who she was teaching would be, her employment was sort of riding on that, and she’d promised her parents the world.

“I just hope her Mom isn’t there the whole time.” Ryujin’s face dropped and Chaeryeong smiled slyly at her own joke.

“If she tried she could turn you to stone, I’m not kidding.” Ryujin thought about her cold, intense gaze. How she’d fought so hard to barely match it. How Jisu had practically shut down under it.

“She sounds cool.” Chaeryeong teased.

Ryujin shook her head. “You’re not funny.”

————

_baby you can roll, roll with us…_

_you never want to go home straight away when school finishes. you hang out with friends when you can but you don’t like to be a burden. in the summer you drive to the beach, windows down, music loud, it’s almost ecstatic. one time you stayed there all day, you set up at the fire pit before sunrise and left when the tide became a threat. a part of you wished you’d built a boat, that you’d risen up instead of leaving and stayed together, just the three of you._

————

Ryujin decided to take the bus to the Choi’s. It was a long walk from the nearest stop but she was too tired to cycle and she’d deleted Uber the minute her income got stripped away.

She kept to her dress code from last time, figured it would be her uniform. The same glasses, the same blazer, a different skirt. Everything either navy blue or black, an attempt to age herself, make her seem more serious. And she usually wore darker tones anyway.

There was chill in the air, it was still Winter after all, and the concrete fences the neighborhood had adopted only complemented the dreariness of the sky, made her ascent just that little more uncomfortable. She didn’t like the place, how closed off it was from the world. Ryujin should’ve been walking by room’s flooded with natural light, every expensive choice on show, curated like galleries. Instead they hid behind painted walls and security systems. It was selfish, not letting her see their wealth.

She pressed the buzzer and the gate opened immediately, no need to ID herself this time. Being welcomed with such ease left her decidedly uneasy. She needed the family to think of her as one of them but she didn’t want to be one of them. It was why she was strangely comforted by the fact the walk to the front door still left her speechless. She hoped she’d never be used to it, the majesty of it all.

Whenever she thought about the Choi’s she was reminded of Greek mythology. The overwhelming scale, the high stakes, how everything meant everything. Even the sky felt different, it was still grey and overcast but framed by the Choi’s garden, it was celestial. She imagined the place on a bright afternoon or a cool summer night. Back home she would climb on her roof to look at the stars, Jisu could sit on her patio, safe, a wood fire to keep her warm. She was lucky. Ryujin wondered if they saw the same sky.

A crack of thunder woke her up and she headed to the door before the downpour started. Inside she heard noises from the kitchen and made her way toward them, hesitant and awkward like anyone is in a space that isn’t theirs, especially one they’ve let themselves into.

“We felt bad, cause it was kinda stalking, but we followed her anyway.”

Ryujin heard Jisu before she saw her, midway through a story. She was leant against the counter eating an orange segment by segment, talking with her mouth full. She looked different this time, casual but put together. A white knit sweater, blue jeans - Levi’s they had to be - her hair in a neat low ponytail.

Jisu wore outfits, Ryujin just wore clothes.

She was talking to her mom, leaned over her laptop at the kitchen island, intense focus on the screen and almost certainly not on her daughter.

She spotted Ryujin as she made her way in, raised a panicked hand to cover her mouth, caught being imperfect again. It was becoming a regular thing. And so was Ryujin’s response, an endeared smile she tried and failed to fully hide.

Jisu collected herself, let go of the embarrassment with ease and moved her hand away.

“Do you know Caitlyn Jenner?”

Ryujin was completely taken aback by the question. The last thing she expected to be asked. She couldn’t help but smile again, entirely confused.

“Caitlyn Jenner? Yeah.” She responded slowly, unsure whether it was some kind of test.

Jisu lit up, a wide smile, waving her hands. It reminded Ryujin of a muppet, that excited flail you can only do if you don’t have any bones in your arms.

“After school just now, we were at the Target, the one on Marion me and my friends and we saw her there. We stalked her around a couple of aisles.” She noticed how animated Jisu became at the opportunity to tell her story. She’d rushed through it, like a kid with good news, just wanting a reaction, someone to match her level, value her anecdote. Ryujin tried and failed, her response was half-hearted but anything would seem that way compared to Jisu’s energy.

“Wow.” It was all she could muster, throwing in a nod and a follow up question for good measure. “Did you see what she bought?”

“Yes.” Jisu lifted her hand, pointed at Ryujin as she recalled the answer, “Banana chips.”

Ryujin broke.

“Cool.” She ducked her head to try and hide the laughter that escaped, genuine laughter. Her hair fell from behind her ear and she tucked it back, found her character again. She was supposed to be stern, but all she’d done since she got there was smile and laugh. When she looked back up Jisu was laughing too and Ryujin wasn’t sure whether it was at her or with her or at herself.

“The study’s ready for you both.” Jongseo didn’t even look up from her screen, she didn’t need to. They both got the picture, it was time to work not play. Over her shoulder, Jisu sought Ryujin out, brows raised like they’d been caught, scolded. She had to look away, keep her smile hidden.

It was like Jongseo could feel her having fun, turning quickly to try and catch her out. Jisu recovered her composure just as fast, looked at her mom expectantly. A silent exchange occurred between them that Ryujin assumed was Jisu being told to just hurry up and start her session.

“Do you want a drink?” She gestured to the fridge, catching her mom’s eye in the process, seeing her disapproving look. “Let’s just start.”

She picked her phone up from the counter and led them upstairs. As Jisu brushed past her, Ryujin realised it was the closest they’d been. Ever. She felt her warmth, her perfume was light and floral and she had piercings in the top of her ears that she hadn’t noticed from far away.

Ryujin ran a hand through her hair, took a breath to steady herself.

“The study’s through there, I just gotta grab some things.” Jisu trailed off and disappeared into her room. Ryujin willed herself not to think about it, what posters she had, the color choices, the bed spread, whether it was secretly a little cluttered. It had to be.

She physically shook the thoughts from her head, told herself to be a professional and went where she’d been directed. The study. Except it was less of a study, more of a spare room. She didn’t mind, it just made everything feel a little more _intimate_.

The lights hummed low and shined amber and Ryujin felt like she was at a higher altitude, every movement that little bit more laboursome, so aware of her breathing she struggled to get it back on rhythm.

The desk barely fit the two chairs that had been placed beside each other and she swiftly moved them to opposite corners. Jisu followed in shortly, a textbook in her hand. It was glossy, still carrying the shine of it’s newness but it must’ve been laid down folded, a large crease adorning the cover.

“Sorry, this was like buried under everything.” She took the empty seat and laid everything out in front of her. She tugged her sleeves up, the soft cotton resting on her elbows.

Ryujin committed hard to character, remembered Jisu was actually depending on her help. She told herself she was being immature and inappropriate before laughing with her. It stopped now.

She ran down the questions in the textbook, relieved when everything flooded back.

“Do you understand this?” She pushed her glasses up with her pen, watched Jisu lean over, read the page with a grimace.

“Honestly I can get the answer… I just don’t understand how I got there.”

Ryujin paused. “So you can’t do the method but the answer’s always right?”

“Yeah.”

Unbelievable. She cursed herself for wanting to smile again but of course Jisu had a problem literally no one else had.

“Can I see?” Ryujin motioned for her workbook, genuinely confused by Jisu's confession, needing to see it for herself. She turned through the pages and she wasn’t lying, her book was filled with incorrect methods, misapplied formulas but correct answers. It didn’t make sense. She turned again, more red pen with splashes of green.

She could see Jisu watching from the corner of her eye. Tensed up, leaning forward, toying with her pen.

Ryujin flicked her eyes over. “Don’t be nervous.”

It was a small reassurance that just slipped out, a little too honest and Ryujin quickly returned to the page. Maybe Jisu felt it too. She retreated like she’d been caught, a small _oh_ leaving her mouth, then a quiet laugh at her own reaction. Ryujin took note of how often she did that, surprised herself with her own behavior. It was bizarre but, maybe that was because Ryujin was almost always in her own head. She overthought everything until she boiled over or shut down. She was a woman of extremes.

She slid Jisu’s book back, a little speechless.

“So…” She went back to the textbook, evaluating. Numbers one through twenty-five were the assignment, a total of seventy-five points available. At Jisu’s rate she would get them all right but only get a score of twenty-five, well below a passing grade. She'd managed to turn what should have been an easy first session into a mystery Ryujin now felt compelled to unravel.

She rubbed at her eye as she thought, she was a step away from literally scratching her head. “Could you try question one?”

Jisu nodded and set to work, head down, laser focused on the question. Ryujin decided to answer it too, easing through as Jisu stressed out. She finished first, had time to check it more than once.

“Did we get the same?” Jisu held her up her work for review when she finished, barely hiding her anxiousness, it was cute. Ryujin caught herself lingering too long before checking her answer. She needed to stop, it wasn’t even subtle.

“The working out’s wrong isn’t it?” Jisu remained focused on the session, the only professional in the room. She seemed defeated though, asking the question knowingly. Ryujin could see her confidence slipping away. She’d noticed it in the kitchen too, how fragile she could be, one small thing and she went from the regal girl in the photos, to the girl at the desk, frustrated and resigned.

When she’d first devised the tutoring scheme with Chaeryeong, they both agreed actual tutoring would be a worst case scenario. They assumed most of the students would be too entitled to actually accept help, that Ryujin would be more like a supervisor. She’d hang out in a huge house for ninety-minutes and collect a neat cheque at the end.

But now Jisu was in front of her and she had her head in her hands, staring at her paper, trying to make sense of it. She was _trying_. And Ryujin owed it to her to actually help.

“Just….show me… let me see you answer the second question.”

Jisu nodded, returned to her workbook, then quickly caught herself. “Can you see?”

Ryujin couldn’t, in part because of her safeguarding but also down to how Jisu wrote, her arm wrapped around her work like she was protecting it. Ryujin shook her head slowly.

“Should I move?” It was a sincere question, she just wanted to help, unaware of Ryujin’s rising panic.

She picked up her chair, ready to shift round, get closer. Ryujin responded instinctually, pushing herself up, away, and waving at Jisu to stay where she was.

“No, no it’s okay.” Her protest had come out louder than she expected and she thought about how insane she must’ve looked, getting flustered over seating.

“I’ll…just...” Ryujin pointed to the other side of the table. The warning signs had been there since she entered the house, since her cheeks had flushed at just the sight of Jisu, now the alarm bells were raging, she was at the worst DEFCON, scrambling to evaluate a way to sit next to her.

She trailed her chair along the carpet and the quiet hiss of friction filled the room. She placed herself _near_ Jisu, maintaining enough space to keep herself from overheating. It was safe, if it stayed like it was, Ryujin might be okay.

“You’re a little…” Jisu spotted the gap and shuffled closer. The legs of the chair hitting the floor with sporadic thumps. She stopped and the space was gone. The distance had been erased. Ryujin swallowed hard.

They were very close together. Jisu's pale skin poking through the pattern of her sweater. 

It was unfair how little it affected her, she just picked up her pencil, continued the session, oblivious.

Ryujin tried to focus on anything else, fixing her gaze on the paper, willing herself not to look to her left. It was all she had to do. Just keep down, not look.

She looked. Tentatively.

Jisu was focused on her paper and Ryujin couldn’t keep her eyes off her. She started to notice her mannerisms, how she trailed her pencil along while reading the question. How she furrowed her brows and winced a little when she was stuck, how she pouted her lips and tapped her pencil on the desk as the gears turned. How her thoughts escaped in random whispered words and she gasped quietly whenever she had a breakthrough.

Ryujin didn’t want to think about how she looked, caught up in Jisu’s everything. She finally understood the beauty of stalking someone’s Instagram, all she wanted to do was capture the moment, live in it a little longer, maybe forever.

She lost track of the work, missed Jisu solving for x and when she heard nothing, unaware Ryujin’s eyes were fixed on her and not her paper, she turned to her right.

They were _very close together_.

Suddenly Ryujin was inches from her. Inches.

“Oh-sorry…” Jisu pulled back immediately, stifling a laugh and apologizing.

Ryujin was on fire.

She inhaled sharply, forced herself to look down, pretend she was deeply focused on the math and not on the brink of a meltdown. She’d laughed, Jisu had laughed and said sorry, and repeated it. She hated that it was so endearing.

The silence that settled felt awkward, a smile still playing at Jisu's lips and Ryujin pushed herself to say something, anything. Her brain was fried, that half a second on a loop in her head. She was still staring down, praying that she just looked studious.

She could feel Jisu's looking at her, obviously growing more concerned the longer Ryujin studied her work.

“Wrong?” Jisu’s quiet question forced Ryujin to act, answering with a nod that was too strong and went on for too long, trying shake herself out of whatever was happening to her.

“Yeah, yeah, but…. you’re not..you’re just messing up the order.” She stuttered through her answer, still nodding like she was malfunctioning. Jisu was concentrating hard trying to follow along and Ryujin felt bad, she deserved better than her mess.

“Here.” She took a breath and reached for a pen, walking Jisu through the appropriate method, repeating a mantra mentally. Focus on the question. Focus. On. The question. Focus. 

Ryujin pulled away to a safe distance as Jisu reviewed her work, the guidelines she'd been provided. She was pouring her energy into the session, a real A for effort. She whispered an _okay_ and started on the next question.

It gave Ryujin a chance to breath. She rubbed the bridge of her nose, where her glasses were digging in and considered taking them off. They belonged to the character Ryujin thought she’d have to assume, the one she thought would be easy to play, just channel her resentment into severity. She reminded herself she _was_ resentful of Jisu of what she represented but, it was easier in theory then in practice and when she was around her, Ryujin’s mind went blank.

“Is this right?” Jisu checked with Ryujin, still unsure of herself. She kept her gaze fixed on the paper, her focus on the math, trying her best to ignore Jisu’s nervous stare, how she chewed her soft lips.

Ryujin nodded. “Yeah….that’s-you got it right.” She let herself smile, only a little, the corners of her mouth turning up. "All of it." She’d taught, she’d successfully tutored and she was proud of herself. Just herself. Definitely not Jisu, who was staring at her in a stunned silence.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

She broke into surprised laughter and looked at her work in disbelief. Ryujin was still smiling. She leaned back in her chair, folded her arms. It was a contenting payoff.

“Now…” Jisu trailed off as she studied the questions again, mentally running through them, before turning to Ryujin. “This is kinda easy, now I get it.” She followed the admittance with a laugh, surprised by her own confidence.

“Should I go then?” Ryujin teased, buoyed by her accomplishment, pointing to herself, pretending to be victimized. Jisu was slow to catch on, her face dropping with guilt until she realised, quickly lowering her gaze and shaking her head.

“You made me feel bad for a second.” 

Ryujin broke and Jisu followed suite, unable to keep up the angry facade.

“Sorry.” Ryujin apologized as her laughter settled into a smile. Jisu shrugged, her face poised and her head held high, pretending to be detached before she faltered and grew a wide smile. For a moment she’d become that girl again, the one Ryujin had expected, the princess of privilege. She’d slipped in and out with ease and suddenly she felt stupid for never considering she might not be the only one faking.

“Next one?” Jisu had returned to the work, writing out the next question. Ryujin nodded, her mind elsewhere.

She just couldn’t figure Jisu out and she convinced herself that’s why she was so preoccupied by her. Why her gaze seemed to be permanently drawn to her. Why she’d felt such a rush when they’d laughed together. Why everything after felt like a deflation. She would unlock her eventually and by the summer she’d think about it ruefully, just another thing Chaeryeong could tease her about. Ryujin would cash her last cheque and they’d toast to a successful con, Jisu would be an embarrassing memory. She had to be.

The session fizzled out, Jisu working diligently, Ryujin playing around on her phone, updating Chaeryeong on everything. _How’s it going???_ _boring [sleeping face emoji] [sleeping face emoji] [sleeping face emoji]._

“Woah.” Jisu pulled up from her work to look outside, the rain growing torrential. It was hitting hard, Ryujin was not looking forward to the walk home.

“Did you drive here?” Jisu asked sincerely. Ryujin shook her head, looking out at the downpour.

She was too tired to lie. “No.”

“Are you on campus?”

Ryujin nodded in reply, eyes still on the rain, she’d cursed herself the moment she left without an umbrella.

Jisu paused, “Do you need a ride home? I don’t mind-”

“No-no,” She was quick to reject the offer, waving Jisu away. “You don’t have to- I’ll be fine.”

A crack of thunder made them both wince, the weather really underscoring it’s severity and When Jisu turned to Ryujin she almost looked concerned.

“I’m going that way anyway, to meet friends. I could just drop you close.”

A flash of lightning this time and Ryujin gave in, “You’re sure?”

“Yeah.” Jisu’s eyes lit up and her smile grew wide, her brightest yet, Ryujin had no idea why she was so excited, she’d resigned to believing it was just a Jisu thing, a further unexpected shade that made it impossible for Ryujin not to think about her. “Do you wanna go right away?”

“Sure.” They were practically done, the ninety minutes had finished a while ago and Ryujin had no reason to stay, no real reason. She imagined how quickly Jisu would kick her out if she'd said _no_ , told her the truth, _i wanna be around you for longer._

“I gotta grab some shoes.” Jisu took one last look out the window, the rain was still pouring.

She left Ryujin to pack away, all she’d used was a pen, it didn’t take long and she decided to wait in the hallway.

There were more pictures on the walls, family photos through the years, all professionally taken. Ryujin assumed they had real pictures somewhere, that showed a semblance of personality. The more she looked the more their practiced smiles felt uncanny. It didn’t suit Jisu.

Further down a display of certificates caught Ryujin’s eye and she wondered what unexpected skill Jisu was secretly a master of. Maybe it was a sport, a violent one like kickboxing, although the way she continually dropped her pen throughout the session probably meant her hand-eye coordination wasn’t too strong.

Every trophy, every certificate was first place and there were a lot of them, but none belonged to Jisu. It was a shrine to her Dad’s high school and college career, Ryujin could feel her interest fading fast.

“Those are my Dad’s. He’ll be here soon if you want to meet him.” She turned sharply, caught out by Jisu in the doorway of her room as she finished tying her shoe. Her walls were painted a pastel blue and Ryujin could see the corner of a poster, not enough to know what it was. “Ready to go?”

She nodded and followed Jisu downstairs. She grabbed her keys from the kitchen counter and led them through to the garage. Another new place. The house was Ryujin’s personal ocean, seventy percent undiscovered. There wasn’t much to it, a concrete space with Jisu’s car parked up alone. A black Range Rover. What else.

The car stuttered out of the garage and Jisu laughed quietly to herself, apologizing when Ryujin snapped her head to the side, panicked. She’d accepted the ride home without even considering what kind of driver Jisu was, she was a little terrified to find out.

They eased onto the road, the rain falling hard. Ryujin tried to keep her eyes forward but they inevitably trailed to the side.

Jisu drove casually, with a permanent smile. Ryujin wondered whether it was a comfort thing, like how if you fake a laugh for long enough it becomes real. Maybe it was her way of making herself feel settled, making the silence not feel so awkward.

She flicked the wipers on and Ryujin watched them move back and forth, the rain so heavy they didn’t make much of an impact.

It was strange being the passenger. It was like the power dynamic had switched, or levelled out. Their allotted time together as tutor and student had expired and now they were both just peers in a car, months apart in age.

Ryujin had thought about that too much, that if she was born slightly later, they would be in high school together. It would be so different. Jisu was the popular kid, it radiated from her. She was the type Ryujin would share one class with and spend it all stealing glances at her. The type she would see at a party, dancing as she smoked outside, secretly hoping she’d make her way out there too, ask for a drag and they’d talk quietly beneath the moon and realize they had more in common then they thought. She was the type Ryujin never registered with, when her name was dropped to the popular kids at school, they always responded with a polite _who?_

“So you’re a freshman?” Jisu glanced to her side, it was an earnest conversation starter, small talk. Ryujin had always been bad at that. 

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“Do you have a major?”

Ryujin answered flatly, factually. “Philosophy and Linguistics.” Jisu turned to her, a look of surprise, impressed even. She couldn’t tell if she was being teasing when she whispered a quiet _wow_.

Instead she laughed, offered a sarcastic, "Yeah, pretty cool."

“So that’s like.. Plato and stuff?” 

“Pretty much.”

Ryujin didn’t really like talking about her major, she complained to Chaeryeong about classes sometimes, but she was all to aware that when she talked about what she studied she sounded way pretentious. A small part of her wanted Jisu to ask more though, wanted her to find it impressive, a fantasy where she thought of her outside of the present.

They pulled onto the road up to campus, her offer to drop Ryujin nearby had silently become dropping her right by her dorm.

“Do you know the Kappa Tau?” 

They’d passed by the fraternity minutes ago and Ryujin had noticed Jisu looking. She remembered Chaeryeong scrolling through her Instagram, the photosets and videos of her many late nights. She was a party girl, a sorority sister in waiting, of course she was drawn to Kappa Tau.

Ryujin stayed quiet, offered a nod as Jisu reminisced, “I went to a party there around Halloween. They’re throwing another one soon…”

Ryujin continued to offer nothing, she only had bad things to say anyway and she’d been raised right. _If you have nothing good to say_ …say it to someone you trust and Chaeryeong wasn’t there. As far as she was concerned the only good thing they’d done was not press charges.

“Are you going?” Jisu finally asked. Ryujin had been quiet since she brought the place up and there was an underlying frustration to the question that she softened with a laugh.

Ryujin shook her head, “Probably not.”

They pulled up to the dorm, the rain had slowed and Jisu cut the ignition. It was quiet.

She settled her hands in her lap, looked at Ryujin with a smile.“It would’ve been fun, seeing you there.” She had no excuse but to look directly at her in such a small space. She seemed so genuine and her eyes were bright.

Ryujin couldn’t not smile in return and her quiet laugh sounded awkward. “Maybe some other time.” She talked carefully, keeping her smile tight, her eyes cautious.

Jisu nodded, a quiet hum of agreement Ryujin barely heard, trying to keep her mind from picturing Jisu, out and partying, looser, that smile in the low light. She wasn’t sure whether it was a blessing or a curse that she’d avoided looking through her Instagram, whether a visual reference would be better or worse, whether it would help or hinder her imagination, which was really running wild right now. She could hear her heartbeat.

She took a breath and noticed Jisu watching her, entertained, a raised brow and smile playing at her lips. Ryujin had just been sitting there, silently and Jisu was obviously too polite to tell her to leave.

She shook herself back to reality. “Sorry.” It was genuine, and it made Jisu’s smile break wider.

“It’s okay.”

Ryujin stumbled through three phases of goodbyes, in the car, outside as she held onto the door and a single wave as Jisu pulled away. Alone she finally caught up to herself, overwhelmingly tired, hungry, her phone pinging with messages as it connected to the dorm wifi. She’d been in a bubble.

Chaeryeong had messaged about dinner, _at the dining hall, can scan you in if you want to join,_ but Ryujin was drained, she walked to her room and collapsed on the bed. She’d spent ninety-minutes with Jisu and she felt like she’d just run a marathon. She replied to Chaeryeong, _back from tutoring. sleeping forever [sleeping face emoji],_ and let her eyes fall closed.

When Ryujin was exhausted, beyond tired, she didn’t dream. It was like even her brain needed the recovery hours.

But she was kidding herself if she thought she wasn’t going to tonight.

————

_although I’ve hardened, darling my guard is down…_

_you don’t keep a diary. it would be a waste of time. you would forget about it until you remembered it and you know any truths you told it would get out. that doesn’t mean you aren’t reflective. sometimes it’s your favorite part of the day. you turn the lights off and put your headphones on. the music is loud and you feel it stronger than ever alone in the dark. you let your mind drift to whatever it wants and don’t judge it. sometimes it lands on something strange. sometimes it lands exactly where you knew it would, on the person you can’t seem to shake._

————

Ryujin's phone lit up beside her, the white light glowing in the dark room. She rubbed at her eyes, squinted hard, adjusting to the brightness. Late night messages were for drunk people or emergencies, so she was a little anxious to see why she had a notification at three am. 

**_ChoiLia_** started following you. 

_Oh._

Ryujin was not sleeping tonight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just bored and writing and maybe this will become something. if ur reading this thank u for ur time. stay safe.  
> (the italics are lia jsyk)


	4. Chapter 4

The campus felt dystopic when the weather turned. The grey sky cast a shadow over the empty quad, the abandoned outdoor seating. The few that braved the outside pulled their coats tight and walked quickly with their heads down.

The wind was fierce and there was harsh frost in the air. It was dull and uninspiring, the perfect time to lean into your worst impulses; order a pizza, have too much sugar, lie in bed all day and marathon a show you don’t really care about. Ryujin couldn’t think of anything better. Yet there she was, one of the brave few, making the cross campus pilgrimage to the Student Union for the sit-in.

It wasn’t that she was against the idea, she wholeheartedly supported it, but when she’d seen the posters across campus, stuck to every noticeboard, taped onto every streetlight, _believe us and support us,_ she’d felt a pang of anxiety, of _dislike_.

The math didn’t add up. The cause was smart, thoughtful, necessary. So why did she feel a bizarre anger that it was happening?

“How many people do you think will show? A lot were interested.”

Chaeryeong walked beside Ryujin blissfully, a bounce in her step, a smile on her face, hands tight around the straps of her backpack.

She was the only reason they were going. She’d brought it up excitedly over dinner, waving her fork wildly as she strategized how they could best help, assuming Ryujin had already made plans to attend. She’d landed on snacks and bedding and bought too much of both.

Now Ryujin’s arms ached, the collective weight of Oreo multipacks dragging them down as they cut across the quad, trudging through damp grass. The water seeped inside her sneakers and sent a cold chill through her body. She felt uncomfortable, irritable. She hoped her silence would make it obvious she wasn’t in the mood to talk. Chaeryeong was usually pretty expert at managing her wavering temperament, knew how to handle all her different modes of silence.

But her mind wasn’t on Ryujin at that moment.

“Are we allowed to leave once we’re inside, if we promise we’re coming back?” 

Yet another question. Maybe the fourth or fifth since they’d started their long walk. Any other day Ryujin would find Chaeryeong’s spirit charming. It was the reason she was family; her enthusiasm, her sincerity, her sheer goodness. Chaeryeong would take a bullet for a stranger.

Ryujin still remembered when they first met, first day of freshman year, how she was lost and overwhelmed in a sea of older students, people who fit in. Her anxiety ringing, she felt like she was drowning, until a voice asked if she was looking for orientation too. Ryujin nodded and they stumbled in late together, united in their bad fortune.

She always feared they’d grow apart throughout high school or when they graduated. It was born from previous clashes, Chaeryeong’s desire to people please, her extroversion bristling against Ryujin’s contentment to only ever hang out just the two of them. They met at a happy medium, Chaeryeong would drag her to parties and Ryujin made sure she was never taken advantage of. Ryujin would force herself to care when Chaeryeong shared whatever gossip was circulating around school and Chaeryeong would listen to Ryujin recall the latest _n+1_ article she’d read.

Sometimes they had both conversations at the same, senseless to anyone but the two of them. _it says the experience of modern consciousness is a whole kingdom where we reign reclusively alone. then he cheated on her with a girl from the volleyball team, the away side so she was from a different school that’s why she only just found out._

Ryujin was happy being on the outside, preferred it, but Chaeryeong always wanted in, she liked people.

It was just another reason why Ryujin was spiraling about the sit-in. The unhealthy belief that maybe Chaeryeong was going because it was something to do, to be a part of, not because she cared. Ryujin knew she was wrong, knew her resentment was almost entirely due to her bad mood and her bad mood was born from a myriad of things. She just couldn’t shake it and now Chaeryeong had to suffer her spitefulness.

She turned to her as they approached the building, finally breaking her silence to answer her question and patronize. “The point of a sit-in is that you _sit in.”_

Chaeryeong paused at the front door, evaluated Ryujin, her quirked brow, her small smirk, her head tilted to really emphasize the smug superiority. Chaeryeong had been there too many times, this impossible tightrope walk. Call it out and Ryujin would play the victim, shrug her shoulders, quietly and calmly tell her she’s not doing anything out of the ordinary. Ignore it and Ryujin would continue to prod, making slights until she reacted.

Whatever it was, however it got resolved, Ryujin would never tell her why she was there in the first place. It’d always been that way and frankly it sucked, how do you give a helping hand to someone who’s not reaching out?

When she was lucky Ryujin would get distracted, forget why she was mad and order would be restored. Chaeryeong hoped it was one of those days.

“I’ll just ask one of the organisers.” She shrugged, reached out and pulled the door open, letting Ryujin inside ahead of her, bracing herself for a cutting reply.

Nothing.

The day wasn’t just lucky, it was miraculous.

Ryujin froze in the threshold, taken by the sight in front of her. Chaeryeong saw the moment as it happened, saw Ryujin return to herself, whatever was making her act out dissipating in the warm glow of inside.

She didn’t know what she was expecting and she didn’t care as she took in the scene. The Union was usually a ghost town, she only used it as shortcut to go between classes. It was a million dollar investment, open-plan with equal opportunities for serious study and socializing. A space for private study next to pay-in bowling lanes next to group study areas next to pool tables. She didn’t think she’d ever seen it full, until now.

There were students everywhere. Protesters. Filling the room, appropriating whatever space they could. The drab carpet barely peaked through the comforters, the cushions, the blankets, the masses of people gathered, groups spilling into one another. The pool table had been taken over, people who’d refused the floor, leaning back on their hands, legs swinging casually. The bowling lanes were covered by sleeping bags, laid down next to one another, preparation for later, the neon design glowing like a night light. Music from phones and laptops battled one another, clashed with no one caring, everyone just enjoying the different, simultaneous vibes.

It was like one big slumber party and there was similar buzz of excitement, of anticipation. It felt momentous. 

Ryujin looked over at Chaeryeong, awash with a similar feeling of awe. They shared a smile, wide and joyous. Whatever Ryujin felt, why she felt it, it didn’t matter to her anymore, there were more important things, like doing your part to make change with your best friend.

“Through here..” Chaeryeong tugged Ryujin’s sleeve and guided them through the crowd, they both stepped carefully, dropping _excuse me’s and thank you’s_ until they reached a room for quiet study. It was basically a classroom, a wall spanning whiteboard and desks that had been pushed to the back.

A small group had already gathered inside, turned inwardly, talking quietly. They whipped their heads up when Ryujin and Chaeryeong entered, like they’d disrupted an important meeting. Chaeryeong stopped in her tracks, released her grip on Ryujin, clutched her backpack a little tighter.

Ryujin decided to take the lead, meeting each one of their questioning glares. She lifted the bags in her hands, “We’re gonna set up….if that’s okay?”

A set of nods removed any tension and one of them spoke up, a welcoming smile, “Yeah sure.”

Chaeryeong dropped her backpack to the ground and Ryujin followed finally freeing her hands, she stretched them out victorious. They worked quickly, pushing a few desks together and emptying everything they’d bought on to them. Chaeryeong used the tag to let people know where they were and how much they’d brought, it was definitely still too much. Ryujin grabbed them both a chair. It was like a market stall, she felt like she should be haggling with the students that began to file in, picking out what they wanted with thankful nods.

The room slowly filled up, late students filtering in, trying to find empty spaces. Someone started playing music from their phone and the room became like every other in the building. They were well and truly a part of it now.

— — — —

Ryujin scanned the table for the third time, recalling each item before she landed on it, the world’s least entertaining game. She’d been so preoccupied with her resistance to the night she hadn’t considered how she would spend it. No book, no laptop, no games. All she had was a phone with low battery and no charger, a phone she’d been avoiding using anyway.

She wished she could be more like Chaeryeong, content with scrolling through all her feeds, dropping heart emojis to people Ryujin would awkwardly smile at from her side when she talked to them at parties.

She leaned back in her chair, eyes drifting aimlessly, landing on the group who’d first occupied the room.

Chaeryeong glanced over, followed her line of sight and read her mind. “The girl who made the video that started everything, that’s her little sister.”

Ryujin nodded. It wasn’t obvious they were younger, not in the way they looked, but it showed in the way they carried themselves, huddled together and away from everyone else, uncomfortable taking up space. They seemed to be easing into the evening though, not as quiet as they had been, talking and laughing amongst themselves, getting more animated.

“Are they allowed to be here then? If they’re not students- aren’t they minors?”

Chaeryeong shook her head, relayed the facts casually, eyes still fixed on her screen. “They’re seniors, they’re eighteen.”

She’d done her version of research, finding out the who’s and them’s of the cause. The girl in the middle was obviously a them, the one the group seemed to be protecting, all doting on her in different ways, concerned looks and kind shoulder touches.

Ryujin continued to watch them, she had nothing better to do. And their entertainment value held up, she almost found herself invested in a high stakes game of rock, paper, scissors. Down to the last two competitors, a continual stalemate, until finally someone didn’t play rock and a loser emerged. She disguised a smile as they threw their head back, releasing a frustrated shout that eclipsed any other sound in the room. It caught almost everyone’s attention, students snapping up, alert and concerned then rolling their eyes and returning to their business when they spotted the culprits, flattened out, trying desperately to contain their hysteria.

All except the loser, still mourning her loss.

She stood reluctantly, only moving when her friends waved her forward, toward their table. It clicked, what they’d been playing for. The girl was on snack duty, forced to go over and interact with the grown-ups.

She hovered awkwardly in front of them, her hands barely peeking out from inside her long sleeves, waiting for permission.

“Can we…?” Her voice was soft, trailing off and she finished the thought by just waving her sleeves over the selection.

She looked concerned, frightened, definitely nervous and Ryujin couldn’t help finding it funny, the idea of someone being intimidated by them. They could barely order food without getting flustered and Ryujin still hadn’t cancelled her gym membership because she had to make a phone call to do it.

Chaeryeong lifted herself from her phone, busy searching something or someone on Instagram.

“Help yourself.” Her smile was proud, she felt the same way as Ryujin, it was obvious, happy to be seen as senior, more mature.

“Take whatever you need.” Ryujin added, mindlessly picking up a fun size bag of Haribo. 

The girl set to work, picking out a couple of things, glancing over her shoulder as she went, constantly checking in with her friends. Ryujin kept her eyes trained on her gummy bears trying to avoid watching the girl, she was nervous enough as it was.

She continued to sift through, prompted by her friends quiet whispers to take more and more until she’d amassed an armful of snacks and left a crater in the table. She looked at Ryujin, guilt ridden and mouthed an _I’m sorry._ Ryujin just shrugged, returned an _it’s fine_ , smoothing the table over when she left, covering any gaps.

She watched the girl go back to her friends, dropping the snacks unceremoniously and scorning them for making her take so much, complaining that they made her look selfish in front of _the people at the table_. She sat back down with a pout, swiping a pack of chips, ignoring everyone as they mercilessly teased her for her little outburst.

Ryujin didn’t want to think about who she reminded her of; the sincerity, the awkwardness. She didn’t want to think about it.

“Do you recognize her- I recognize her.” She hadn’t been paying particular attention to Chaeryeong, assumed she’d just been preoccupying herself like everyone else, scrolling, swiping, hoping something would pop up and inspire them, anger, interest, anything to actually engage with.

She peeked over and saw the amount of searches Chaeryeong had tried, a one women mission to figure out why the girl was so familiar.

She collapsed back in her chair, almost angry at her lack of success, racking her brain for an answer. “I’m sure I’ve seen her.” 

Ryujin looked back to the group, to the mystery girl. She was pretty, her light hair in a tight high pony that drew her features up. And cute too, in her oversized polo shirt that she couldn’t tell was pajamas or fashion.

Ryujin shook her head, “I don’t know. I don’t recognize her.”

Chaeryeong sighed. It really seemed to be plaguing her, not knowing. Ryujin watched with a smile, her friend: the little detective. Chaeryeong loved to do this, assign the highest stakes to something that truly didn't matter and then lose her mind over it. It was never not entertaining and Ryujin leaned in to the burning desire she had to make fun of her.

“Isn’t she in high school, why would you know a high schooler?”

She expected to receive the deadpan stare Chaeryeong usually returned when she was getting teased, a side eye that said _you’re not funny and you never will be._ Instead the question seemed to be the missing puzzle piece, Chaeryeong gasped, froze in thought then went back to tapping with a fervid determination.

“I knew I knew her.” Chaeryeong spoke quietly in victory, looking at her screen, a mixture of pride and relief.

“How?”

It was a nothing question, off the cuff as she tossed another gummy into her mouth. She was bored and wanted in on the hunt, wanted to see if maybe she knew the girl too. She wasn’t invested until she saw Chaeryeong smile fade and her eyes dart quickly to her phone clasped tightly in her hand.

It was like she’d been caught out, suddenly racked with guilt.

It almost made Ryujin nervous.

“What?” She followed Chaeryeong’s eyes down, to the answer, the picture she’d found.

Of course.

What else would it be? _Who_ else would it be?

Jisu.

Lips pouted, eyes closed, with the mystery girl holding her, her chin on Jisu’s shoulder, a content smile.

They seemed close.

“You followed her?” Ryujin tilted her head, her voice flat with disappointment, practically sighing into the statement.

“What’s wrong with following her?” Chaeryeong defended.

There was nothing wrong, not really, Ryujin knew that. It made her uncomfortable but to get into the reasons why...

She glanced around the room, getting louder, excitable, more raucous as the night went on, the air getting thick as it filled with people and fast food. She thought about Chaeryeong who would be so sincere but so inquisitive, who would keep asking _why_ until it became less of a conversation and more like a therapy session. She couldn’t do it.

“I just don’t want her family thinking I’m unprofessional, you know. I lied to them-I’m _lying_ to them.”

It was a half-truth. The likelihood of the Choi’s finding her Instagram or seeing her on Chaeryeong’s, scrolling through to see a glimpse of the _real her_ , was pretty low. The likelihood of Jisu bringing up a post to her mom however, misreading the room, finding something funny and sharing it. Maybe there was potential for that, Jisu was unpredictable.

And Jisu had followed her.

_Jisu had followed her._

Ryujin couldn't think about it. She didn’t want to. She’d tried to bury it like so many other things, but it pushed through occasionally, sparking like a faulty lighter.

When that notification came through it was _three am_. She’d lay in bed staring at her phone in disbelief. It hadn’t felt real, so late and dead quiet, just the AC humming behind her. She remembered rubbing her eyes, literally, making sure she was reading it right, her mind racing. Why does someone follow someone else that late?

She’d slipped her phone under her pillow, locked it away and hoped physical distance might amount to something, might let her get some rest.

It did not.

Wide awake in the dark she drifted from scenario to scenario. Maybe the algorithm randomly recommended her, Jisu had tapped follow on three or four people, Ryujin was just one of many. Or maybe Jisu had sought her out, had typed her name into the search bar, found the right Shin Ryujin, scrolled through and looked at her photos, had thought about her, maybe laughed at some.

Her mind spun thinking about it, it made her feel everything, thrilled and terrified. The next morning she switched off her notifications, swiped out of the app and hadn’t returned to it since.

It was the double-edged sword her anxiety created. Always asking questions, never wanting answers. Ryujin constantly tortured herself with it, living in memories, random interactions and conversations, never stepping out to be objective, never asking for advice or clarification. A fragile, disastrous form of self-preservation. And that’s all it did, preserve. At best it made days survivable but it mostly just set her on edge. She’d felt that earlier, when she’d been so irritable, so short with Chaeryeong. But she’d been able to move past it, she always did, she'd learned to live with questions.

And she’d resigned herself to never asking why Jisu followed her, didn’t intend to follow back, didn’t plan on bringing it up at the next session. She’d considered just ditching the app altogether. Then she saw the photo, blazing on Chaeryeong’s too bright screen and everything fell into place, the likely scenario she hadn’t thought of, the one that made such obvious sense. Jisu checking her _own_ followers, seeing Chaeryeong, an outlier, clicking through to see Ryujin, a familiar face that she kindly treated to a follow. She an afterthought.

Ryujin hated answers.

But the half truth was maybe a little much, too far in the other direction. It was smart but cruel, trapping Chaeryeong, guilting her, tying something as shallow as a follow to something as serious as her future. She needed the tutoring money, she needed more of it actually, but that was phase two, they weren’t there yet. If Chaeryeong sabotaged the plan in any way, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself.

Ryujin could see it in how she was looking at her phone, hovering over the follow button, glassy eyed, lost in the potential repercussions.

She tempered the seriousness, ducked down to catch Chaeryeong, “Just.. don’t go crazy liking her stuff maybe?”

It was enough, she broke into a wide smile, replying quietly, “Deal.”

A notification pinged through on her phone. It swept across the room, bright bursts of light, drawing everyone’s attention, whispers that Chaeryeong clarified, “They’re going through the first demands.”

The room had already started to filter out, everyone prepping to video, thumbs hovering over red buttons. Chaeryeong was anxious to join.

“Go ahead, I’ll be a minute.”

She filed out with everyone else, leaving Ryujin and a couple other stragglers.

It was the moment of quiet she needed, maybe the only one she might get the whole night. She snaked her phone out of her bag, unlocking it.

It felt dangerous in her unsteady hand and Ryujin rued that she’d let herself become this. She took a breath, clicking on the app. Pictures from the sit-in immediately cropped up, different groups in different places in the union. Despite their separation everyone seemed to be doing a similar thing, ordering pizza and defacing the whiteboards. It was a nice moment of relief, before she remembered why she’d opened the app in the first place.

She tapped through to her own profile, her modest follower count, now increased by one. If Jisu had actually looked at her feed what would she have seen? Who would she have seen? And would she reconcile them at all with the person at the sessions?

Her last picture was from weeks ago, before everything started. She’d gone to the beach with Chaeryeong to try to skate for the first time since high school. It’d had been fun, thoughtless fun. Ryujin wished she had the courage to skate more.

When she’d grown more confident, foot hitting the floor fearlessly, projecting herself forward, then cruising, soles planted, weaving in and out of the evening runners, she'd felt free. The air rippled through her, the world passed by in a blur and the weight of her thoughts couldn’t touch her anymore. It was the same way she’d felt that night at the Kappa Tau house. Cool and still in the moonlight, her hoodie pulled tight, her finger pressing hard on the trigger. It was exhilarating getting lost in the present, nothing mattered in the moment.

Chaeryeong had caught her as she’d passed by on the board, you could barely tell she was a rookie. Board shorts, a hoodie, a busted pair of vans. Afterward they shared their ice creams on a picnic table beside the sand and she made her promise to upload the picture. _you need to post this, i’ll do it if you don’t._

Ryujin posted it eventually, feigning reluctance. Privately she loved it, candid and aspirational. She could feel that free, be that happy, it was tangible proof, resting right there on her profile.

Looking at in the empty study room, she’d never felt further from the image, so trapped in her head she couldn’t click on her followers without her body seizing up. She took a breath, closed her eyes and tapped before she could exhale. When she did, her eyes crept open and her face went flush seeing the username for a second time. The band aid had effectively been ripped, as quickly as she could manage, she was in it now and Ryujin clicked through to Jisu’s profile.

She’d only glanced the photo on Chaeryeong’s phone, enough to see who it was, who she was with, how close they were. She needed to see it again, for clarity. And she limited herself to just that photo, practically averting her eyes, scanning with her peripheral until she found it, nestled away halfway down the grid.

She tapped cautiously, bringing it to life, Jisu back in front of her. She’d jumped every hurdle her anxiety had thrown at her, now she held the picture in her hands. No need to pretend, no one around to care. Her mind felt blank, she was just staring.

Jisu had taken the photo, she could see that now, her arm stretching out of frame. The other girl's snaked around her waist, fingers interlocked. Ryujin felt herself tensing and swiftly tapped on the photo, maybe a little too forcefully.

A solitary tag sprung up.

**YEJIKW00.**

Yeji. Jisu’s Yeji. Yeji who knew Jisu. Yeji who was resting on Jisu’s shoulder. Yeji who was holding Jisu. Yeji.

It was enough, Ryujin called it. _time of death: eight thirty-three pm._

She tapped away from the photo, put her phone down and looked around the empty room, trying to ground herself, bring herself back to reality. But the picture sparked again.

She would never take a picture like that with Chaeryeong. But maybe they were a poor barometer for friendship, they’d rather push each other over then hold each other like that. They weren’t like Jisu. Ryujin certainly wasn’t. She wasn’t extroverted, enthusiastic, endlessly friendly. She wasn’t mature enough to hug someone without fixating on it. Maybe Jisu was like that with all her friends.

Ryujin hesitantly returned to her phone. The answers were there, it was free information lying in the comments, captions, her friend’s profiles.

She couldn’t bring herself to do it, rifle through Jisu’s feed, analyzing her life. It wasn’t her.

She couldn’t help but be drawn to Jisu’s latest post though, it looked like a mistake, a shot of a window entirely obscured by the flash of the camera. Ryujin wondered what the caption would be, Jisu didn’t seem the pretentious type.

She tapped through, curiosity defeating her.

As expected there was no explanation, just words, lyrics Ryujin couldn’t quite place. _the earth is moving but I can’t feel the ground._

Ryujin recited the lyrics quietly until they slipped into a familiar melody. Her smile grew when she realised, the chorus playing in her head.

_you drive me crazy, I just can’t sleep…_

Britney. Jisu liked Britney. It was good to know.

Ryujin noticed the familiar dots at the base of the screen, realised Jisu had posted a set and she quickly set about tapping through it: _the window; the corner of her bed untucked and unmade; a tv remote inside a book of poetry; an apple core between her thumb and index; her hair settled past her shoulders brushing against her collarbone and Yeji eating Froot Loops at her dining table._

It was like associative thought and Ryujin knew it made perfect sense to Jisu because it made no sense to her. It didn’t seem orchestrated but the images were too bizarre to not be somewhat staged. Nothing had any relation to the Britney song. She didn’t understand anything but she was endeared and entertained and she realised she was smiling. It was Jisu through and through to her.

Including the last photo. Clearly a new fixture in the Jisu she was coming to know. Yeji.

Ryujin could feel herself going to that place again, irritable, almost angry. The message that slid through at the top of her phone was practically a god send, Chaeryeong wondering where she was. _are you out here yet?_

She tapped back an _omw_ and pushed herself from the desk, leaving her phone behind. 

She quietly slid beside Chaeryeong and watched as the organisers continued to run down their demands, shaky hands reading from a fourth generation iPad. She was grateful in that moment for Chaeryeong, that she'd encouraged her to go. Her self made problems didn’t compare in the grand scheme of things. These people were making moves, their futures were bright, Ryujin couldn’t let people she barely knew derail her anymore.

She had to focus, execute her plan and move on to better things.

— — — —

_you are truly mine…_

_When you were barely four years old, your dad stopped reading you your favorite book at bed time. It was around the time they put a brand new piano in the living room and made you start playing. Just after six you climbed into bed and he brought out a book of his choice. The cover was dark, you'd never read anything with a dark cover before. He would slow down at some parts and that’s how you knew they were important. The words became a part of you, lessons bestowed. He kept the books in the top drawer of his desk, it’s where you keep your own favorites now, in reach but not in sight, resting ready for whenever you need them._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again for reading. (the book being read at the end is ovid's story of phaethon in case you wanted to know). keep staying safe.


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